Rural Women Cultivating a Life They Love: An Interview with Cara Stolen
"I know it might sound old-fashioned, but cultivating a life that allows his gifts to shine is the delight of my life."
Cara and I met five years ago through Exhale—an online community for creative mothers. After knowing each other for about a year, we formed a writing group with two other writers. Remember in the ‘90s when we were told not to meet strangers on the Internet? Well, last spring, I drove over 300 miles to stay at an Airbnb with Cara, where we met in person for the first time.
I still remember how nervous I felt as the miles between us grew smaller and smaller. Would she like me in person? Would we have anything to talk about without a computer and hundreds and hundreds of miles between us? We had gotten to know each other through our words—sharing stories and comparing notes on farm and ranch life. Through our writing group, we got to know each other even more—giving each other feedback on our essays and sharing our deepest fears in writing and motherhood. And now, we would be seeing each other face to face for the first time.
Cara knows hugging is not my thing—and she warned me in advance that she would hug me. We met on the front steps of our Airbnb, where we hugged, then spent the next couple of days sharing lots of laughs, more stories, eating good food, and going for a hike. Meeting strangers from the Internet wasn’t nearly as terrifying as the 90s made me believe! (Even the hug wasn’t too scary.)
Despite spending a couple of days together, we only managed to get a few group photos and none of just the two of us. Next time! (The other gals in this photo are fellow writers but not the two other women in our writing group.)
Not only is Cara a beautiful writer (she makes it look easy), she’s an amazing wife, mother, and friend. I’m excited to share her words today. Here’s my interview with Cara!
When I first got married, I started referring to myself as a “farm wife,” mainly because the other local gals I met did, and I didn’t feel comfortable calling myself a farmer. I know you refer to yourself as a ranch wife too. But I’ve learned (from the Internet) that the title farm wife/ranch wife can be controversial. What does the title ‘ranch wife’ mean to you? How do you feel like it explains your role? Why do you feel comfortable calling yourself that?
I actually don’t know that I do feel comfortable calling myself a “ranch wife.” It isn’t a term I use in my daily life, and I can’t think of a time I have described myself as a “ranch wife” to someone face-to-face (maybe because, in person, I’m much more likely to introduce myself as “Levi’s wife, Cara”). But on the internet, where character space and agricultural knowledge are often limited, adding “ranch wife” to my bio seems like the most succinct way to describe my daily life and role in our operation.
My partnership with my husband, Levi, extends beyond parenting and household management to include our ranch. We’re a married couple who are also business partners. And as a partner, I fill in where I’m needed. Sometimes that looks like moving cows on horseback. Sometimes it means loading the feed truck with the backhoe or stopping traffic in my car for Levi and the kids to bring our cows down the road. More often, it looks like driving kids to school, paying bills, cooking dinner, and running errands. It’s a life that can be difficult to explain to someone who lives in the suburbs and works more traditional 9-5 hours. A life that can be concisely described by the term “ranch wife.”
Your husband, Levi, and you are first-generation ranchers. Your husband works full-time for another ranch while you work full-time from home. And you have three kids on top of all of that! I know the word balance is overused, but how do you balance all of your spinning plates? How are you cultivating a life you love and sharing that love with your kids?
It’s a lot. But ranching (and all agriculture) is seasonal. You’re only ever a few months away from a change in weather and available daylight and, thus, a change in workload. I don’t know that we even look for balance anymore. Instead, we prioritize, constantly evaluating what has to be done in a given season and deciding what can wait for a different one.
One of the things that initially attracted me to Levi was how good he is at what he does. He is a cowboy in the true sense of the word and shares a connection with animals that is really something special to behold. I know it might sound old-fashioned, but cultivating a life that allows his gifts to shine is the delight of my life. And while I can’t say I dreamed of growing up and marrying a rancher, our life suits me in a way I’m not sure the high-powered science career I envisioned would have.
As far as sharing our life with our kids, well, I can’t say they have a lot of choice in the matter. We don’t have extended family that lives in the area, so our kids are with us 24-7, which we laugh often will either make them love the lifestyle or make them run for the city the first chance they get. If we’re moving cows, they’re moving cows. If I’m irrigating, they’re irrigating. Thankfully, they don’t know any different. But if you ask me, their childhood seems pretty magical. While they might have the added responsibility of feeding the dogs and heifers every night, they get to ride horses, rope bottle calves, and play in irrigation ditches all summer—things other kids dream of getting to do.
I know you’re not on social media right now and have complicated feelings about it. But, when you were on, did you feel pressure to “do more” as a ranch wife? Or to do things a certain way? How did you move past that?
Hmmmm… honestly? Not really. Social media brings up a lot of feelings of comparison and inadequacy for me, but mostly in the realm of motherhood and writing, and financial success. When it comes to my role on our ranch/in our home, I feel confident that my contribution adds to the sustainability of our day-to-day operation. I think I am a good business and life partner to Levi, and know that my work ethic adds value to our business. And back to your question about balance, I don’t know how much more I could feasibly do. I say this with a smile and a wink, but I irrigate 135 acres from May-September with three kids in tow while working full-time without childcare. There are only so many hours in a day, you know?
But I think the meat of your question is about how social media tends to make all of us feel like we aren’t enough sometimes. In which case, my answer to whether or not being on social media made me feel pressure to “do more,” “be more,” and “have more” is a resounding “yes.” It wasn’t something I personally could move past. My relationship with social media became more and more toxic until a 30-day “fast” from Instagram turned into logging out of IG (and then Facebook) permanently. I still feel like I’m missing out, and my legitimacy as a writer probably takes a hit from my unwillingness to “play the game.” But at this point in my life, I am choosing my sanity over a social media presence. Because it’s just easier for me to live in my own head without all the noise social media creates there.
This year you’ll celebrate 11 years of marriage with Levi. Congrats! How has your role as a ranch wife changed over the years? How has it stayed the same?
Thank you! I don’t know that my role on the ranch has changed so much as my responsibilities have. When we were first married, I worked full-time in town, so my time was limited to evenings and weekends. Back then, my role looked like picking up parts or vaccines in town, feeding bottle calves before and after work, and processing or moving cows with Levi on the weekends. I left my corporate “town” job to work from home when I was pregnant with our oldest, which opened up more time in my schedule and allowed me to take on more/different responsibilities. Since then, I’ve learned to operate equipment, handwritten thousands of ear tags, fed cows, and put out mineral supplements. I’ve helped Levi pull calves (assist a cow giving birth), given countless vaccines, and run a sorting gate when necessary. I still run a lot of errands and feed bottle calves when we have them, but I also pay bills and manage all of our ranch finances, fix electric fences, feed branding crews, and irrigate pasture/hay ground in the summer.
But my role as a ranch wife has stayed fairly constant. I’m a partner to both Levi and LCS Livestock. It’s a role that requires a lot of hard work and a good deal of sacrifice, but it also gives me pride and purpose I don’t know that I’d find otherwise.
What advice would you give a rural woman just starting out?
Two things: 1) learn how to meal plan and grocery shop once a week, and 2) find your people.
When Levi and I were dating, I was invited to join a local book club. The women in this group are all rural women who range in age from mid-30s to late-60s, who are ranch wives, business owners, teachers, and bookkeepers like me. I was new to town and knew almost no one. And these women, who knew and cared about Levi, invited me to be one of them. These women have become my dearest friends and most cherished community. They served food at our wedding, threw me both bridal and baby showers, and brought meals in a steady stream when our daughter was hospitalized as a baby. The thing about rural life is that it can be lonely and isolating. Finding community is the only antidote I know. Maybe your people play volleyball at the local Middle School on Tuesday nights. Or maybe they meet for a sewing circle at the grange. Or maybe the community you’re seeking doesn’t exist yet, in which case I would encourage you to create it.
Oh, and I’m serious about the meal planning. Nothing sucks up your time faster than a second trip to the store in a week.
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This was a fun surprise this morning! Thanks for including me, friend 💛💛
Oh my goodness I just loved this. Please keep going with this series! My husband is from a teeny tiny town with a farm 400km from Perth, the capital city where we live. I’ve always lived in the city and my in-laws keep suggesting that we take the farm...