The One Where I Turned 40

. . . and the day didn't go at all like I planned || March newsletter ☘️

Mar 29, 2024

Last June, I bought myself a T-shirt (see below) for my 40th birthday—which wasn’t for another nine months. I left the tags on, then put the shirt in the back of my closet, saving it for my “big” day. In the weeks leading up to my birthday, I scheduled a haircut, planned a pedicure & brunch with a friend, and ordered a cake made by a local baker that I heard was amazing. I planned to spend the day in town getting “pampered” and bring the cake home.

My birthday was on a Thursday, so I wanted a low-key evening at home. Rich would grill our ranch-raised steaks, and the five of us would eat dinner together, followed by the fancy cake. I thought I would take a selfie after my haircut while sporting my new T-shirt, my hair looking better than I could ever do it myself. I would pop back onto Instagram to share the photo and a caption about turning 40.

Despite all of my planning, none of that happened.

Around 3 a.m. on my birthday, I woke up feeling queasy. I tried to reason with myself that I was just feeling anxious about turning 40 or I was hungry—and that’s why I felt weird. Not because I was sick. I won’t get too graphic in this post, but after throwing up a few times in the next two hours, I realized that this WAS happening, whatever THIS was.1

I spent the morning lying in bed, on the couch, and near the porcelain throne. A few hours after I got sick, Rich followed suit. I called to cancel my haircut, texted my friend to tell her I couldn’t make it for our pedicures, and told the cake baker that I would Venmo her for my cake, but I couldn’t pick it up. Every call and text I made felt depressing. This day, which I had anticipated for months, didn’t look anything like I had hoped. Texts came in all day wishing me a Happy 40th! Some people, I just responded with a, “Thank you!!” Others, I told the sad tale of being sick on my birthday.

Despite planning for months, literally, since buying this shirt last summer, the day didn’t go as I planned. I enjoy planning and like knowing what’s ahead. I don’t love surprises.2 And turning 40 felt (feels?) like a big deal. I know that age is just a number, but I think there’s something significant about the turning of a decade.

I was pregnant with our first baby on my 30th birthday. I excitedly blew out the candles (and lit my hair on fire, but that’s not a story for today) on my 30th decade—with motherhood and all of the excitement and unknowns ahead of me. I wasn’t sad at all to turn 30. It felt like a new chapter opening.

Turning 40 feels like a chapter is closing. While, of course, I’m still a mother, I’m no longer a “new” mom. There will be no more babies in this next decade. I don’t know what this next chapter will look like when our family isn’t growing bigger—just older.

My 40th birthday didn’t go as planned, but it will be one I’ll never forget. Thankfully, my illness was short-lived. The next day, I flew to Phoenix with my mom and sister—as planned. That weekend, I got a pedicure with a friend of two decades, spent time with family and friends, and ate cake in another state. When I got home from my trip, I got my haircut (my amazing stylist was able to get me in—a miracle in itself!) and picked up my cake that the baker kept in the freezer for me.

Five days after my 40th, I ate cake with my family of five—three of whom weren’t even born when I turned 30. Rhett blew out all the candles, not letting me have a chance at making a wish (or lighting my hair on fire).

Nothing went as planned, but I still turned a year older. A reminder that sometimes I have to let go of my plans—to open my hands and heart to the unknown.

Farm Happenings

We’re officially finished with calving! Last I knew, we had over thirty sets of twins, but I don’t know the exact number. Overall, it was a successful and safe calving season for us all.

Photo from Tuesday, the snow is now melted.

Last week, ahead of a snowstorm, the farm crew spent several days spreading fertilizer on the winter wheat fields. Fertilizer does best when moisture comes shortly after putting it on the fields. Now, the snow has melted, and it’s a muddy mess. Quote from my oldest child this week, “I hate the mud, but the moisture is good.” #farmerintraining

The guys are working in the shop, preparing the equipment for spring seeding, which will happen sometime in April—once the fields are dry enough to get into. For me, prep looks like making a list of meals to deliver to the crew in the evenings while they’re seeding.

Up next: Seeding the spring crops! 🌱 And the ranch crew will begin AI’ing the cows.3 The bulls will be turned out with the cows shortly after.

Things I’m Loving . . .

After not reading much at the beginning of the year, I finally got back into the groove and read several books this month. The Persian Pickle Club was a delight, and now I’m a Sandra Dallas fan. I sobbed my way through The Women by Kristin Hannah. KH is so skilled at her character development that when I finish one of her books, I wonder, “Where are those people now?” They seem so real, even though it’s fiction. The book taught me a lot about the Vietnam War, which I didn’t know much about. I listened to Bad Therapy: Why the Kids Aren’t Growing Up, which was a fascinating and fast-paced read. While I didn’t agree with everything she wrote, a lot of it made sense to me and actually made me feel good about my parenting (many books about parenting make me feel the opposite). I read another Sandra Dallas book, Tallgrass, about a Japanese Internment Camp in Colorado (I grew up 30 miles from one of the camps in Wyoming). I’m currently listening to Finlay Donovan Rolls the Dice—it’s fun and enjoyable, like all her books, but it’s not my favorite of the series.

In case you’re turning 40 soon and want to celebrate the day (or year!) with a fun tee, here’s mine. Apologies in advance to anyone who sees me wearing the same shirt on repeat.

I loved this podcast episode on Rethinking Instagram. This beautiful poem. This essay about going back to work. And this one about being available for your kids as they get older. And this post about phones and social media for kids.4 I’m thinking of ordering the book “The Anxious Generation,” but I’m trying not to buy *every* book I want. My friend Molly’s newsletter is one of my favorites, and her next one comes out tomorrow!

My bestie gave me this amazing candle for my birthday. My sister-in-law got me this egg cleaning kit, which works great for washing my fresh butt nuggets.

I bought myself these linen pants while in Arizona. They are super cute and comfy, but I still don’t know what top to wear with them. Please advise.5

I don’t have much to show for my writing life, as much of it can’t be shared yet. A poem I wrote last fall was featured on Coffee + Crumbs on the first day of spring. Earlier this month, my local newspaper publisher asked me to write an essay for National Agriculture Week. My story “Raising Crops and Kids—Motherhood on the Farm” was published last week. I would share it here, but it’s only in the paper. 😀

Planting Season

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